So you want to see my heart?

I can't sleep.
Insomnia.
I guess I've blamed this state of mind too often
though.
Well, where do I start?
At the beginning I guess.
There's a blackout though.
But it's this girl's reply that has got me thinking.
She clearly doesn't give an eF.
But I find myself doing the unthinkable: going
after a girl after she said no to me.
I've got to find my Ego.
She absolutely has no idea what she's doing to
me.
But I guess like all other girls, she thinks she has
me figured out.
I come and go as I wish.
She probably thinks and believes I'm dead and
helplessly in love but she doesn't know she is a
lab experiment.
I'm experimenting on my mind. I want to find out
if I can ever be polygamous.
But she somehow has me following my normal
curve.
I'm trying to divert my interest from just dating one
girl by dating FIVE.
But to be frank, she has my full attention while
the rest has a little over 5% which they compete
for unknowingly.
I gave her, her last chance last night when she told
me she's gonna call me back.
You know that scenario when you call someone
and each time she says, "I'll call you back"
immediately after receiving the call.
It's boldly written, "she's so not into you".
What the heck! I'm making the number two girl
number one.
And did I tell you the number two girl was forming
'not interested' until I abandoned her case.
Now she does all the calling and all the talking.
Exactly their medicine.
I know some will be wondering and saying, "this
guy sef". "He doesn't value these girls."
If I told you I do, you wouldn't believe me though.
This is my therapy session.
I realised the more I talked about my problems to
strangers, the more happy I become.
Fun fact about total strangers: they don't give an
eF!
And when someone who doesn't know me judges
me, it means nothing.
Now unto the next thing.
I'm not different from you. It's just that I've got a tinny figure, two big incisors, I talk about me a lot and I've got these eyes that run in the family.

The loner inside

I'm trying to write the perfect story but the hardest thing to wrap my hands around are names. The names of characters. It's really that complicated. Yes it is.
I tried using Ifeoma, Ifeanyi, Chioma, Chima and their likes but it sounded stupid to me. Probing further, I realised that it's because I've been acclimatized to foreign movies and that's why the names Jack, Anderson, John, Robert, Jenny etcetera comes to mind effortlessly.
You're wondering why our native names sound absurd in the said story.
I can't remember the last time I saw a Nigerian movie with passion or verve as I would do a foreign movie. You can hardly blame me for that. When one acts a movie without passion (not the romance movie kind of passion) or verve how do you expect your viewers to develop passion for it?
So when one gets his muse from a foreign movie you can hardly blame him if all the names that come to mind are foreign ones.
Don't get me wrong. I love our native names.
I'm just stating my state of mind.
And it's pathetic.
Try writing a science fiction novel with the names Chioma, Chidimma, Chinonso, Chukwuma etcetera.
Excerpt...
...she stood at the gate watching him walk away and he saw a little boy standing in front of a car in motion; it's occupants: dead drunk. Dave quickly threw away his bag pack, ran to were the boy was, grabbed him and threw him just in time for the little boy but there was no time left for him.
The car hit his rib cage and smashed him to the ground. It drove past his half dead body. He could guess all the bones in his body were broken. The sinusoidal palpitations of his heart was reducing drastically. His vision was becoming blur. The last thing he saw was Jenny running and screaming towards his direction, then it all went white...
Yes it went white instead of dark! Want to know more?
Sorry it's an excerpt.

A close call

Twas at a cross road and right in the middle of a
catch up, a gun and a surge of andrenaline came
calling.
I thought, saw, ran in split seconds.
All of that side of me that is rarely ever used.
Still pointing to the direction of a gun, a guy I
never had the displeasure of knowing edged close
and held a friend of mine.
First I thought they were cultists and I resisted
the urge to run till saw the whole street emptying
themselves in the other side of the road.
My friend pushed him, freed himself from his
grasp and fled with me, together with my other
buddy who drop his phone unwittingly, in the
chaos.
In my place of refuse, I remembered them at last.
There they were, standing in front of me, pipping
from behind a fence.
"Are they gone?"
"Guy, my phone fall oh"
"Gboza!!"
And another chaos ensued.
Minutes later I heard screams of a familiar kind.
"Ole! Ole! Ole!"
Already, I was drawing a map in my head: an
alternative route home.
Three things I took home from this experience:
1. I realized I could really run
2. That I am selfish except your blood is in my
veins
3. I'll go back for the rescue when all is safe
except...

A tranquil eventide walk

It's exactly 19:00. I'm very close to the bank. I'm walking in a boulevard, listening to a refined voice make music to my ear.
Walking dangerously close to the road and cynical while at it.
Trying hard not to lose my muse.
A beautiful voice said hello.
Feeling ambivalent, I replied, "hello".
Taking the ear piece out of my ear, I stared into her shimmering eyes: as  wet as the morning dew.
Her first words were, "can I walk with you?"
Curious and indecisive I said, "free as a bird".
Prying and intrusive, she said, "what are you thinking?"
I just couldn't fathom why she thought I would give that a reply.
I said, "ransom notes keep falling out of your mouth. Mid-sweet talks on news paper word cutouts."
And she stared at me with a countenance of confusion but kept her cool despite her scepticism about my sanity.
"FYI, I'm just using you for the company in order to feel safe walking on this lonely road but now I feel like you are the kind of scenario I was running from."
"My mistake. Pardon my indiscretion."
"I'm just not in the mood of kidnapping people today."
"What?"
"I was just accessing your earlier statement of self worth to see if it were true."
"And?"
"You're still here."
"You feel you are smart, don't you?"
"Thanks, but compliments don't move me."
Angered she said, "I see you need to be really alone."
"I never asked for company.
And yes, my mood fights back at you."
I would have love to apologise but we'll have to see a second time for that to happen."
"You have no idea you're supercilious with delusions of grandeur."
"What a compliment. You never stop, do you?"
"Go to hell!"
"I'll find you.
Trust me, I always do."
"Who cares! Gosh."
Walking off in utter fury. I could find a smirk on my face.

Vanity

What does thou seek, that thou does not already have?
Oh, in our search for vanity's swag we are indulged in an endless loop of wants and desires: never seem to be quenched; never seem to be satisfied.
Vain creatures, vain creatures I see.
Evil in time you'll seek, but for the journey, it's what the indulgence is for.
In time, in time, in vanity's arms, all foul things come forth!
It's unavoidable, the truth, that stands glaringly in front of your eyes.
Do we choose to see it; do we choose to ignore it?
The path that leads to light or the freeway that leads to darkness.
For vanity the preacher says. All is vanity!

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Discordant words

The dark stars are falling. The dust did begin to fall when people held their heads heavy.
Oily marks appeared on walls. The exact spot where pleasure moments hung: a picturesque representation of still life.
Spinning around again and rubbing my eyes in dismay. "This can't be happening".
When busy street's a mess, more than a muse slips away to silence too silent to earring.
So I'm asking the discordant company,"where are we? What the hell is going on?"
And even though I know blood and tears were here first, I know it's for the best. Mid-sweet talk on news paper word cutouts, are the forms from which these memories take shape in the vaguest part of my heart; in the aftermath of the twilights.
As is the characteristic of truth, it's hard to take in.
The promising prospects of the muse caused of melancholy.  

Sin

People refuse your methods vehemently, because they know it's sincere and genuine.
It only leads me to the realization that people aren't saying no or yes to one or some things in their life based on the present. Rather it's based on a lifelong battle of who owns who.
The body or the soul?
The body gets sick and so does the soul. And more real is soul's sickness.
If the soul is sick, it could lead the body to being sick unlike the body that more often than not gets sick and doesn't affect the soul.
How does the soul become sick?
SIN.
As viruses are to the body, so is sin to the soul. Every single sin you've committed, bears a scar on your soul and is only removed by indulgences.
So that even when you have been give absolution by a priest, you still need to gain indulgences, preferably, plenary indulgences.
Partial and Plenary indulgences are the two types of indulgences there is.
If we are to understand how sin works I'm going to make it a visible object in description.
What sin does to a sinner is to shield one from a union with God and in return, makes you visible as though like the brilliant sun to the devil.
But if you were to free of mortal sin, the opposite would be the case. You would literally look scary to the devil as you assume a place far above him and his reach.
Based on Catholic teachings, there are two types of sin.
Original sin and actual sin.
Original sin is the sin passed down unto us from Adam. At baptism, we are cleansed from it.
Actual sin is every sin you commit.
There are then two types of actual sin:
Venial sin and mortal sin.
Now venial is a sin, when committed, does not kill the soul.
But mortal sin is a sin, when committed, kills the soul.
A mortal sin is any sin you committed with full intent. It's sin done knowingly. With ur Will involved.
Venial after a long time could become a mortal sin.
For non catholics. This is the catch, free off mortal sin, you will not make hell. Only those who die in mortal sin go to hell. That's why it's called a sin that kills.
Purgatory on the other hand, are for those who die in venial sin.
For purgatory: 2maccabees 12: 38 - 45.
In the New Testament
In Matthew 5:26 and Luke 12:59 Christ is condemning sin and speaks of liberation only after expiation. “Amen, I say to you, you will not be released until you have paid the last penny.” Now we know that no last penny needs to be paid in Heaven and from Hell there is no liberation at all; hence the reference must apply to a third place.
Matthew 12:32 says, “And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven; but whoever speaks against the holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.” Here Jesus speaks of sin against the Holy Spirit. The implication is that some sins can be forgiven in the world to come. We know that in Hell there is no liberation and in Heaven nothing imperfect can enter it as we see in the next part. Sin is not forgiven when a soul reaches its final destination because in heaven there is no need for forgiveness of sin and in hell the choice to go there is already made.
Revelation 21:27: “…but nothing unclean will enter it, nor anyone who does abominable things or tells lies.” The place that is to be entered (the place to which this passage refers) is heaven (read the text around it for context).
Sin is as real as it can get. The more animate you make your sin look, the better.
Remember, our graces are limited. Limited in the sense that we'll die and at death it ends.
Graces are hard to gain. But gaining them is by God's grace. So don't try to play smart with Grace when about to venture into sin.
+may the Lord bless and keep you.
May His light shine in your heart, even as it shines in mine. May the Lord be good and gracious to you. Amen.

I'm stunned when someone says I'm gonna do this
or that in the future.
They seem to forget the present is part of their life
on earth.
Value every moment of your life cause every sad,
maimed, disastrous, joyous, ecstatic moment were,
are and will be your life.
# You will always have a cross
#You will always solve them.
# must cry at sometime
#you must smile at some point.
# Someone must love you and
#Someone must hate you.
#Someone must discourage you.
#Someone must encourage you.
#You must make mistakes.
# But you can choose to either be eternally sober or
apply the lessons learnt and move on.
#£lse, someone who knows where he's going in
life is gonna push you out of the way to make way
for himself.
What did you think it was/is?
It's a damn vicious cycle.
# And at times, when life is dragging you down,
you've just got to obey the laws of gravity and get
down on your knees and # pray .

Profiling 101

Profiling. The first time I heard that word was in
a movie: mind hunters.
Read one or two things about it and decided to
see if I was capable of profiling someone.
I was discouraged a bit, or maybe more than a
bit.
But, it occurred to me that I became sensitive,
or much more.
One look at you, especially your eyes, I could
tell something about them, even if it wasn't
anything important. Next was that I couldn't
forget a face. The only way that I couldn't
recollect a face is if i was distracted by a
thought.
I thought it was a fallacy: mere coincidence.
Until now.
There's a game we used to play.
"Take one look at a movie and tell it's name."
I found out I could remember near all.
Most people like me use their cerebrum. That
means they can create with ease.
The other lobe being the cerebellum, means you
don't even have to think, it does the thinking
for you. But wait, it is the site of "practice
makes perfect".
It's almost like an algorithm.
If you give it commands always, even if you're
asleep, it will act on them.
Deduce the rest.
Back to my story.
I isolated my cerebrum from creativity for a
while, to help my cerebellum act solo.
Initially I thought it was gibberish, but now I
found out it worked.
The procedures I followed are numerous but it's
just simple practice. Favour everything on the
left side of your body, first stage.
The rest things to do will come naturally, that's
if, if it will work on you.
1.Always trust your instincts.
2. Never follow your heart.
3. practice makes perfect
4. correct yourself immediately
5. use the knowledge as often as possible but
not on others. you will hurt them.
6. To every thing, there are advantages and
disadvantages
7. do not get obsessed with it.
8. safeguard your brain from people you know
can influence you.